I’ve been thinking a great deal on how many things have happened in my life, thus far, that were completely unexpected and totally unplanned by me (which is odd as I relish planning anything and everything I possibly can). When I was 18 I did not anticipate NOT becoming a costume designer at that point. I had never considered taking any trips to Ukraine, or Nepal and my fantasies about living in Italy for a time were fantasies I did not actually take that seriously prior to 2015. When I was a kid, I definitely would have a dog one day and not a cat (so happy that didn’t go according to plan as I sit here snuggling with my sweet kitty Biscotti). Being such a planner and valuing being productive (with the idea of procrastination sending me into a nervous state) I could not have imagined spending 8 months looking for work after spending 6 years as a college and masters student. I could not know that I would be given a chance to live out my childhood dreams of drawing stories as I illustrated (and still do) children’s books as I waited (now wait again) in unemployment. I would have been heart-warming-ly stunned to know of the wonderful friends I would make in the last season of unemployment as well as this new season. And, to top it all off, I now live right across the street from 3 SLOTHS (yeah… I like sloths… a lot… and I live next to a zoo.)
One of the best things I did when I was in Europe for a time was take a scenic train from Italy into Switzerland. I had never seen anything so incredible and daunting. I had never seen mountains like these and could not have envisioned the magnitude and complexities of their forms. The train continued to climb up and up and up. As this kind of train climbs, it cannot possibly climb on a straight shot upwards… its just too steep. You turn right, and then left and, slowly, you make your way up the mountain.
I now think of how little my plans are at present. I would like them to be definite. I would like them to have big aims and lofty goals at the end of a strategically listed out process. But its difficult to have plans when you are no longer entirely certain of what you want. Thank goodness, I know that the God who made those insane mountains knows the truest wants of my heart with greater clarity than I need to see or understand. He is happy to do the planning. He guides me up with a turn here and a turn there and it doesn’t have to be an uninterrupted trip all the way to the top. Right now, I can only see to the next turn. But, in the meantime, he helps me look out to the amazing view he gives those who trust in him. It would be very comforting to me to know what I want and to plan out how it’ll all work out. But, there is a good chance I may stop looking around at the view and become blind to anything other than my own presumptions about what the path should be. As I give him more control day by day, I know he will show me the next leg of the journey when it approaches. I mean… he brought me to live in a place a half-mile away from SLOTHS. Come on! He knows my heart and what is best for it beyond what I may ever imagine possible.